How to Give (and Receive) Godly Counsel
by Sarah J. Bracey
One of my favorite service opportunities is to help out with the 2-3 year olds in the nursery at church. Never a dull moment with these little ones! I love to talk with them each week about God and put together some craft or coloring page that goes along with our lesson. Don’t let the glue sticks and safety scissors fool you. Sometimes these crafts can actually be quite complicated and require some skilled hands to help these little ones complete their tasks. Often during our craft time you can hear, “Can you help me?” “I can’t do this” or “Teacher! I need help!”
At a very young age, we know there are some things in life we just can’t do on our own. At some point, however, this reliance on others quickly changes to a strong-willed independence that says, “I don’t need any help. I can do it on my own. Don’t help me!” Then we begin to see the frustrated, furrowed brows on these little ones’ faces as they try and try, but simply cannot achieve their goal. How many times do we see these same looks on ourselves as adults? Why is it so much easier to help others, and so much harder to say “help”?
Paul’s Picture of Community
Encountering trials and tribulations is not an enjoyable experience. Usually, people will try to avoid conflict at all costs. However, my experience has shown that real change occurs and real wisdom is gained through these circumstances. I believe Paul understood this concept as he was writing to the believers in Rome. In Romans 12 he reminds them to rejoice, persevere, be devoted to prayer, contribute to others’ needs, and practice hospitality (see Rom. 12:12-13). You will not find Paul telling these new converts to isolate themselves during trials. Instead he tells them, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep” (see Rom. 12:15).
We see similar instructions in Titus. There, Paul gives men and women (young and old) instructions on how to live. In his letter, Paul instructs Titus on how the church leadership and new believers are to live godly lives in the midst of immorality and false teaching (see Titus 1:7-16). Titus 2 gives us wonderful practical examples of Godly living that includes: “speak the things which are fitting for sound doctrine,” “teach what is good,” and “encourage” (see Tit. 2:1-15). In this passage we see a beautiful picture of God’s people working together as a community in instructing, loving, helping, and serving each other. Romans 12 and Titus 2 are just two examples among many that sound these themes.
Living in a sinful world, however, reveals a sharp contrast between the beautiful portraits Paul paints and the reality of the current Church’s condition. The phrase “People are messy” comes to mind when we offer help to others and try to live out the exhortations of Romans 12 and Titus 2. Perhaps this phrase offers us a reason as to why we are often willing to help others rather than ask for help ourselves. We would rather see someone else’s mess before airing our own dirty laundry. So in light of Paul’s instructions, how can we help others, practically? Or what about when we need help—how might that look?
Ways We Can Help Others
Sometimes I have found that our own personal losses and struggles can be exactly what God gives us to be able to help others. This is why groups like AA, CODA, and weekly Bible studies work so well. There is safety and fellowship in a gathering of people who share struggles and shortcomings. One group with which I have been involved is Boundaries for Women. We would meet together on a weekly basis and discuss various areas of our lives where we felt we displayed poor boundaries with others. This weekly group quickly became the highlight of my week as we met and encouraged each other to set better Biblical boundaries. Thus we must be willing to share our stories in order to help others.
Perhaps a group feels too intimidating. Sometimes we seek out a one-on-one relationship with someone who can help give good Godly counsel. Many times, people seek out their pastor for guidance. Many pastors are trained in pastoral counseling, and when they are not behind the pulpit, they are speaking with those looking for advice, counsel, or encouragement. Your church pastor is also a great person who can put you in touch with others who may share similar experiences, or are willing to help in other ways. These connections can prove very helpful, and I encourage you to ask your pastor if he has any recommendations for someone to whom you can talk one-on-one.[1]
Perhaps the help and/or shame is so great that the idea of going to another person is too daunting and instead you may seek out online help groups. These groups are gaining in popularity, and many who are hurting have found others who share similar losses. However, it is important to note that these online chat rooms are not always Christian-based. Be aware that you may risk seeking help from those who do not share similar views on matters of faith.
When We Need Help
What happens when we ourselves become the one who needs help? Whether it’s a prayer request, counsel for a difficult decision, or accountability for an addiction, we all could use some help at some point in our lives. Unfortunately, one of the challenges I encounter when talking about counseling is the argument, “I know a lot of people who are way worse off than me. Compared to him/her, I’m healthy. Have I ever told you about <insert wayward friend’s name here>?”
If you find yourself using this line of thinking, I challenge you to consider a few points. First, comparing ourselves to others is not a good measure of our own mental or spiritual health (see Lk. 18:10-14). Finding someone worse off is rather easy (see Rom. 3:23). Comparing our journeys through God’s sanctification may illustrate that our priorities are misplaced. If my sister in Christ is struggling with fidelity, my first order of business is not to measure up (or down), but to help in whatever way I can.
Second, we might consider going to a spiritual mentor or leader at some point and asking for their advice regarding a matter or choice that we’re considering. If you’ve done this, you’ve sought out counseling. Sure, you may not have sat in a waiting room and been escorted back to a softly lit room with comfy chairs and practiced relaxation techniques, but you did seek out another person for help. In addition to these ideas, we might consider those examples covered in the previous section as well. Asking for help is one of the most simple and yet hardest things we can do in life.
Conclusion
Matt and I had only been married for 3 months when I had my wisdom teeth removed. Very early in our marriage I was required to rely on him for everything, and I had great difficulty giving up my independence and forcing myself to ask for his help. I am thankful, however, that this showed me that Matt is trustworthy—come what may. Perhaps we lack trust or faith in others to ask for help when we need it. Maybe we don’t want to appear weak or incapable, or our pride is getting in the way.
Whatever the reason though, the Bible teaches us about the importance of our Christian community, and one of its functions is the giving and receiving of counsel. Like that child in the nursery, we must learn to ask for help. We may no longer struggle with scissors, but as adults we do face many challenges that require help from others. As we have seen, this may take on any number of manifestations; but the important point is that help is there.
Finally, we must remember that we have a trustworthy, faithful God Who is strongest in our weakness. As Paul has said,
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Cor. 12:9-10).
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[1] If you happen to be asked to speak with someone who is in need of encouragement and are entrusted with this privileged knowledge, I strongly urge you to respect the confidentiality you have with that information. Confidentiality is of the utmost importance, and if not followed can potentially have disastrous effects for those involved. The most common of these is gossiping. Serious consequences could ruin a person’s testimony to others and perhaps propel a congregant to leave the church altogether, which is why we want to be respectful and commend the person for being willing to trust you with their confidence.
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About the Aurhor: Sarah Bracey lives in Mount Juliet, Tennessee with her husband, Matthew. They attend Sylvan Park Free Will Baptist, where they are actively involved in ministry. Sarah works as an Independent Mental Health Contractor, as well as a Property Manager in Hermitage, TN. Sarah holds a Master’s degree in Counseling from Lipscomb University in Nashville, TN and a Bachelor’s degree from Ball State University in Muncie, Indiana. She has taught in the Psychology program at Welch College. In her spare time, she enjoys gardening, crocheting, and spending time with her family.
May 18, 2015
Good article, Sarah. We need your reminder that much, if not most, of ministry takes place in the “ordinary” relationships of life. A faithful Christian friend, regularly immersed in and practicing His Word, is an awesome tool in the hands of God. May our churches be filled with them. I’m glad to have you and Matt in ours.