Staying Connected in a Wireless World
by Sarah J. Bracey
Recently, my husband and I retreated for a weekend and rented a cabin a few hours away. We also invited some of our family, including my two youngest sisters (seventeen and fifteen years old) to join us, thinking this would be an opportunity for us all to spend some time together in the great outdoors. When my sister arrived, her first words were “What’s the Wi-Fi password?” Perhaps the amenity of free Wi-Fi and her question were the first warning signs for how the weekend was to progress. I could probably count on one hand the number of hours we were able to pull these two teenagers away from their devices. By the last night, I admitted defeat as we all sat around the living room of the cabin staring at our screens in silence.
What happened? When did our culture become so fascinated with apps, social media, and “what’s trending”? Screens are everywhere and in everyone’s hands. Devices designed to keep us connected to one another suddenly cause conversations to stop at dinner tables and parents to see only the tops of their children’s heads. While the Internet has certainly brought us the wonders of cat videos and Snap Chat filters, somehow these connections seem fruitless and empty.
Disconnected From The People We Love
I first became interested in this topic two years ago. In preparing for one of the courses I teach, I came across an article on the presence of cell phones in relationships. Przybylski and Weinstein examined how the mere presence of a mobile phone often interferes with relationships, especially when people are discussing a personally meaningful subject: “We found evidence they [cell phones] can have negative effects on closeness, connection, and conversation quality.”[1] This study further revealed that the mere presence of a cell phone within eyesight results in the other person feeling less empathy and understanding from a romantic partner. Partners reported feeling less closeness and trust especially when discussing a meaningful topic.[2]
I found this information to be incredibly troubling. I began to think about the times early in my marriage when my husband was trying to have a conversation with me while I was busy playing Candy Crush. This thought process then prompted me to think about the countless hours I had wasted being on my phone. I felt convicted.
Everyone has a God-given, innate desire for interpersonal connection: “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him’” (Genesis 2:18, NASB). During various moments in our lives, we may desire this connection even more strongly. For example, in the year following 9/11, 19 million Americans became even more concerned about rekindling relationships with family, friends, and others they had not contacted in years.[3] How did they reconnect? Email. Some may argue that the most tragic event in American history brought the nation closer together with the help of technology, and this desire for connectedness has only grown in the last fifteen years.
The Research
As a counselor, matters of the heart and interpersonal relationships naturally play a vital role in my clients’ lives. However, a master’s degree doesn’t prepare you for questions like, “This girl hasn’t Snap Chatted me back since yesterday, what should I do?” or, “This boy I dated two years ago just liked one of my Facebook photos from when we were together. What does that mean?” Were relationships always this convoluted? How does this technology influence the relationships around us? Psychology is beginning to catch up with these trending questions by giving this area of research its own name of ‘Cyberpsychology.’
One area of the world that seems to be producing the most research concerning connectedness and Internet or cell phone use is Asia. Asian and other non-Western cultures do not necessarily value a person’s independence; rather, they have an interdependent view, “a way of defining oneself in terms of one’s relationships to other people and recognizing that one’s behavior is often determined by the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others.”[4]
Interdependence is how some cultures value social connectedness. In 2010, Taiwanese researchers found that the amount of time spent online is not necessarily the problem, but is rather what users are doing online. They found that heavy users of the Internet who are not just seeking information but who are also chatting and playing online games are more likely to feel ill and depressed.[5] This discovery caused researchers to question why these subjects felt depressed if they were connecting with others online.
Researchers Lepp, Barkley, and Karpinski found that college students who used their cell phones more often “tended to have lower GPA, higher anxiety, and lower Satisfaction with Life relative to their peers.”[6] The Satisfaction of Life scale used in the study has been predictive of various life outcomes including marital satisfaction and social relationships.[7] These studies represent a finding we are repeatedly seeing in the research literature that high cell phone or Internet use does not correlate with better interpersonal relationships or social connectedness.
What Can We Do?
I don’t pretend to have found the perfect balance between online activity and social interaction. All of us must examine our own lives to determine if we’re seeking a false sense of social connectedness through these backlit screens and whether these devices have become an idol. Isaiah 55:2 challenges us, “Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good, and delight yourself in abundance.” So, what can we do to help remove this less-than-satisfying temptation?
The answer came for me one day while I was sitting in the bathtub. (All great ideas start out in this place.) Unlike Archimedes, I didn’t shout “Eureka!” but it was certainly a powerful moment in my adult life. I was sitting there thinking about how I really wanted to go back to school and work on my doctorate. I started to pray and ask God what was holding me back. Two answers came to me: fear and priorities.
First of all, I was afraid of the unknown. I was not willing to trust fully that God was really going to take care of us. Second, I didn’t have my priorities where they needed to be. I was too much in love with my leisure time, not wanting to give it up. At that moment, I took my phone and erased all my mobile games. Goodbye, Candy Crush. Next, I went to work on my college application.
My temptation had been games. For others it could be Facebook, Twitter, or any other app on your phone or iPad. The important thing to do is to remove temptation from your life and to avoid filling its spot with another fruitless idol. To remove the temptation to text and be absent from conversations around you, do not have your phone in your hands at all times. Leave it in your purse or pocket. Remember, having your phone out could influence the way others see how you value the conversation going on around you. The bottom line is to be a participant, not just an observer.
One Last Thing
An area of particular interest for many Christians is how to handle the use of cell phones and iPads at church. Below is an example of how tackling this issue may produce an awkward situation should you decide to confront this matter.
Sean had his phone out. Fifteen feet from the preaching pastor, he and Tyler were trying their best not to laugh out loud at something on the screen. Meanwhile, I was staring daggers at these two senior boys and their behavior in front of the underclassmen. Because I had agreed to help out with the youth group as a college intern, I felt it my duty to say something.
Afterwards, I approached the boys and scolded them for having the phone out during service. They stared at me in astonishment. After shuffling his feet, Sean spoke up rather sheepishly and replied that he had forgotten to bring his Bible and that he was sharing a Bible verse with Tyler using the app on his phone. I stopped and wondered not knowing whether to believe him or not. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, though I still cannot understand what was so funny about James 4.
If we happen to see the person sitting next to us texting during the sermon on Sunday morning, let’s not fool ourselves into thinking we’re experiencing some form of righteous indignation; we’re likely feeling our own self-righteous pride or envy. Before berating a young teenager or guilt tripping your spouse, remember each one of us has a desire for relationship. Let’s be brothers and sisters to each other face-to-face rather than trying to fellowship through our screens and worship the One Who made us for relationship with Him. As Job 15:31 says, “Let him not trust in emptiness, deceiving himself; for emptiness will be his reward.”
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About the Author: Sarah lives in Mount Juliet, Tennessee with her husband, Matthew. She volunteers as a post-graduate counselor at Lipscomb University and teaches adjunct psychology courses at Welch College. She is currently working on her Ph.D. from the University of the Cumberlands in Counselor Education and Supervision. She enjoys traveling, playing with her nieces and nephews, and watching cat videos.
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[1] Andrew K. Przybylski, Netta Weinstein, “Can You Connect With Me Now? How the Presence of Mobile Communication Technology Influences Face-to-face Conversation Quality,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 1, no. 10 (2012): 1. Doi: 10.1177/0265407512453827
[2] Ibid.
[3] Susannah Fox, Lee Rainie, and Mary Madden, “One Year Later: September 11 and the Internet,” Pew Research Center, September 5, 2002; http://www.pewinternet.org/2002/09/05/one-year-later-september-11-and-the-internet/; accessed October 4, 2016; Internet.
[4] Eliot Aronson, Timothy D. Wilson, and Robin M. Akert, Social Psychology, 9th ed. (United States of America: Pearson Education, Inc., 2013), 107.
[5] Su-Ye Chen, and Jeng-Yi Tzeng, “College Female and Male Heavy Internet Users’ Profiles of Practices and Their Academic Grades and Psychosocial Adjustment,” Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking 13, no. 3 (2010): 257-262. Doi:10.1089/cyber.2009.0023.
[6] Andrew Lepp, Jacob E. Barkley, and Aryn C. Karpinski, “The Relationship Between Cell Phone Use, Academic Performance, Anxiety, and Satisfaction with Life in College Students,” Computers in Human Behavior 31, no. 1 (2013): 348.
[7] Ibid.
November 30, 2016
Sarah you have done a great job with this topic. It is such a hard balance to find and I feel I am still searching for the right balance. Recently I found an app called “Quality Time” that is excellent. It monitors the time I spend on every app on my phone whether it is texting, fb, gmail… Now each day I can see how my time was spent on this device. It also has a nice feature called take a break where you can set times where it won’t let you access your apps. It may not be helpful for all, but I’m finding it very helpful when it comes to trying to be a better steward of my time.
November 30, 2016
Megan, thank you for your comment and your suggestion for the app. Knowing the amount of our usage may help change our behaviors. Similarly, if I see my electricity usage is higher than last month, I am better about shutting off lights in the house. Finding the right balance is tough and I believe this is something we can all work towards.